Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
first you must answer his riddles
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.