Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Bless you
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.