Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”