don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous