don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure