Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Carpe DM
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Huge, if true.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.