Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Monday

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

😂

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers