Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
You Might Also Like
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Lmao 🤣
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon