Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Something Saturday.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.