Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.