DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier