Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”