Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
going to the ER y’all need anything
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
But wait…
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job