Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Swedish for common sense.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho