Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny鈥檚 my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me: I have to go I鈥檓 almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’ve spotted six Pok茅mon today but I don’t have the Pok茅mon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
peacock: how鈥檇 the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there鈥檚 your problem dumbshit
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”