Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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being a writer on Twitter:
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.