Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.