Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*