“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream