Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
No regrets in 2018
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
For anyone who needs this today
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*