Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.