don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

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Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful


There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.


My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.


[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!


INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich


If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.


I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.