@MNateShyamalan

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

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@Michael1979

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

@DurtMcHurtt

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

@jiggynye

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

@daemonic3

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

@WilliamAder

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

@better_off_dad2

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.