@Michael1979 Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
@MNateShyamalan don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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@Michael1979 
@DurtMcHurtt There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
@TrueTorontoGirl Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
@jiggynye My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
@daemonic3 [in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
@jonnysun INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
@WilliamAder If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
@LarrysTwin99 Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
@better_off_dad2 I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
@ramblinma I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.