Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Terribly Tuesday.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk