Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Does beer think about me too?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”