“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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goldfish mafia
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I feel seen.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there