Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.