Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.