Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these