Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems