Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
ok this is my dumbest yet
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
he’s doing your taxes
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Very good news from my accountant
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking