“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You can’t rush stupid.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?