Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
You Might Also Like
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
North and South