*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I am yelling
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012