don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
You Might Also Like
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Oh hi lol
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.