Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*