Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”