Don’t we all.
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Just this preview of the story is enough
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Body by sandwich.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.