don’t we all
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.