“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.