Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building