Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The Assassin.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Personal question. #JustSaying