Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
very niche meme I made
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz