Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
What personal space?
My dog
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat