Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done