Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
For anyone who needs this today
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”