Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house