“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My sex drive has a dui
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass