Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
remember
only for emergencies