Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”