“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
You Might Also Like
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get