Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
sistine chapel