“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
You Might Also Like
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Seems a bit forward
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
cause of death:
autopsy.